30 Days in England

I've been thinking a lot about what I want to write about since I've officially been here for a month. So much so that its taken me a week to even begin writing anything, so I have decided that this will just be a stream of consciousness as I reflect on the last month... enjoy.

Last Sunday, my actual one month anniversary, I gave my mom a call and she asked me if it actually felt like a whole month. My response was that it feels like its been one week and also 1.5 decades at the same time. Lets see... in the last 30 days I went flat hunting, moved into my own flat, started my job, called my mom over 20 times, cried over wifi (or lack thereof... word to the wise, make sure your flat has cell service before signing), probably walked over 100,000 steps, bought a keyboard, accidentally went to a rave, got on the wrong bus three times, and took 2 trips. Can't say I was ever bored! As I sit here in my new (ish) flat, I realize I am starting to genuinely feel at home, a feeling I really haven't felt since college. In a strange way I feel like I have more control over my life than ever, when the only thing that changed was a bit of mileage.

Intermission: I am going to try my hardest not to make this cringe/sappy/etc, but no promises (you've been warned)

The main question people ask me when I talk about moving is whether or not I miss things "back home". They're surprised when my answer is: well yes... but mostly no. Of course I miss my family, friends, and dog (let's be honest I miss him the most), but there are really no lingering feelings of fomo or any twinges of sadness... at least not yet anyway. When I reflect on why this may be, I think it boils down to this past month being the actualization of years of daydreams and hard hard HARD work. Every nursing exam, every dollar saved, and every email sent for the past 3 years has been a part of my master plan for relocation (queue Mastermind by Taylor). To sound as corny as possible, my dreams are coming true, why would I even think to complain? When talking of my plans to older people before I left, I was told the exact same statement in a myriad of variations: "If I could redo one thing in my life I would do exactly what you are doing". I'm self aware enough to understand how privileged I am to be able to do this. I picked the right career, was in a place last year to be able to save just less than half of my annual income, and have parents who more than encouraged me to do this. I think the reason that it feels like everything fell into place for this move was because of the massive amount of determination something like this takes. For around a year I was perpetually being thrown into the cycle of being rejected and rewarded, rejected then rewarded, etc. There were many times when I really thought this was just going to end up being a pipe dream that didn't work out because of bureaucratic red tape.

One reason people look at me wierd is because I did not move to a huge, well-known city. Because I didn't move to a place like London, I think people don't really know what to expect from me. What kind of person chooses some English town over a famous city? This is actually turning into one of my favorite questions to get asked, because it allows me to really get to the crux of why I moved away from the States. Genuinely, at the beginning of my time here, when someone would ask me "Why?" I would kind of freeze up. I didn't have a formulated reason and saying "because I wanted to" didn't feel appropriate (even though that is a VERY valid reason). I think that putting my reason into words was one of the most rewarding things I have had to do since moving and it has kind of allowed me to get to know myself better. Now I get to tell people that I just wanted something different. I was sick of the idea of living in one place for my whole life and the American ideal of always moving, the "rat-race" for lack of a better word. I have been reading "Self-Reliance" by Emerson and I think this part really sums up how I feel:

"A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds, adored by little statement and philosophers and divines. With consistency a great soul has simply nothing to do. He may as well concern himself with his shadow on the wall. Speak what you think now in hard words, and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it may contradict everything you said today"

I love that part because it's exactly how I feel- sameness gets boring! if you want something different, go get it! We won't always be the same people, so its pointless to expect consistency from ourselves in that regard.

As soon as I started actually building a life here I felt the shift in priority from always trying to get ahead, having the best stuff, living in the fanciest apartment complex, and looking for the next best thing to being able to feel comfortable with where you're at. I am out near the countryside and I can see rolling hills from the hospital I work at! Life feels peaceful despite arguably working harder than I ever have to get on my feet! (And I went to London, that place was stinky and expensive tbh don't get the hype). Not only am I super close to all of these well-known (& expensive) cities, but I am constantly surrounded by green spaces and the beautiful English countryside.

I also love talking about the NHS. Now I get it, there's issues with every healthcare system and its all corrupt yada yada, but the first time I saw a paediatric oncology patient get discharged and I realized they WOULDN'T be getting a bill for that sweet baby's healthcare.. I am not going to lie I snuck into the bathroom and had to have a moment to myself. There is no feeling that mirrors it, especially coming from a for-profit elective surgery center where I would see bills for $60,000+ for surgeries that would help someone finally be pain free or be able to walk normally again. I don't know, there is something really special about being able to walk in and receive treatment without them asking for a credit card first. And don't even get me started on the annual leave! Girl. 28 days !? I don't know a single person I graduated with that has twenty eight PAID days off every year. I don't even think I understand it yet, and they had to explain it to me twice! Anyways I could talk about the benefits forever but I'll stop there.

One of my biggest fears before moving was my job. I was terrified of the cultural differences and not being smart enough. I was so lucky with my first job in Fort Worth having an incredible work environment and being friends with literally every single one of my coworkers. I have heard of so many toxic work environments in healthcare that I didn't know if I could get so lucky again. Since work was the main reason I came over, I didn't know what I would do if I couldn't enjoy my job. But oh my gosh how my fears were shattered. I am not sure how it happened, but I have once again landed in a ward with incredible staff! I must have some extra good karma laying around because everyone I work with is welcoming, kind, smart, and helpful! Especially in the veeeery beginning when I literally had no clue where anything was, people were so quick to help me out. There is a strong sense of camaraderie and I feel so lucky to be there.

Occasionally I'll have an epiphany on a bus or walking to the Lidl to get my groceries: I did this.. Like, I am actually here (this epiphany usually contains an expletive of excitement). Just like with study abroad, the daily mundane actions end with an "in England" that usually precedes the bubbling of happiness that occurs in my chest when I realize I am my dreams personified. People tell me all the time they want to do this or something like it. I say the same thing: DO IT. I watched a tik tok before I left of a girl talking about fear, specifically before doing something big. She said: if something scares you, do it. The night before I left I had a moment where my entire body froze in bed, thinking about everything that could go wrong with this move- am I screwing up my life by moving? Am I about to make the biggest mistake? Is this going to crash and burn? Really, I was ready to pull out and stay in Texas. But that little voice in my head saying "if it scares you, do it" won, and I have had absolutely zero regrets since. One or two times I've called my mom asking those same questions, filled with loneliness. I'm grateful she is there to remind me that I, in fact, did not make a huge mistake and growing pains hurt because we're being stretched to fit something new. I may not be where a lot of girls my age are in life, but what is important is that I am proud of where I am and that I have made choices that allow me to make choices. It's easy to slip into the mindset that I have somehow failed living abroad because I haven't made a ton of friends yet, or that I'm single, or that I'm not living in a place that everyone can point to on a map. I plan on living my life in a way that lets me look back and definitely say I did something remarkable, and what I love about this journey I am on is that it is mine and no one else has every done life the exact way I'm doing it right now. Be the main character of your own life!

So, as I sit here in my flat, listening to the rain and the wind and church bells, I am filled with the peace that comes with living in a way that makes ME happy and knowing I will have so many more months in this country (because I have no plans of ever going back hehe). Everyone's dream life looks different, but I wouldn't want to imagine mine any other way.

Go Travel!

TRN